Posted by I was losing my temper again. My son, who was eight at the time, had refused to get dressed for school for the third morning in a row. I had tried everything. Rewards. Consequences. Counting to ten. Yelling. None of it worked. He would scream, kick, and eventually collapse into tears, and I would feel like a failure. A therapist suggested Collaborative Problem Solving, and I was skeptical. It sounded soft. It sounded like giving in. It was neither.
Collaborative Problem Solving, often called CPS, is an evidence-based approach developed by Dr. Ross Greene. The core idea is simple but radical. Challenging behavior is not a matter of willful defiance. It is the result of lagging skills. Children who explode, refuse, or shut down do not lack motivation. They lack the skills to handle frustration, flexibility, and problem-solving in that moment. Punishment does not teach those skills. Collaboration does.
The first shift was in my own mindset. I stopped asking, “How do I make my son comply?” and started asking, “What skill is he missing, and how can I help him build it?” That question changed everything. It moved me from adversary to ally. I was no longer fighting him. I was working with him.
The CPS process has three steps. The first is empathy. You listen to the child’s concern and reflect it back without judgment. The second is defining the adult concern. You share your worry or expectation clearly and calmly. The third is the invitation. You ask the child to brainstorm solutions with you. It sounds simple. It is not easy.
The morning I finally tried it, my son was refusing to get dressed. Instead of escalating, I sat on the floor beside him. “I notice you really do not want to get dressed this morning,” I said. “What is going on?” He shrugged at first. I waited. Then he said, “The tag itches.” I had never noticed the tag. I asked if cutting the tag would help. He nodded. We cut the tag. He got dressed. The entire conflict dissolved in three minutes.
That moment taught me that the problem was never defiance. The problem was a sensory issue I had not understood. My son was not trying to make my life difficult. He was trying to communicate something he did not have the words for. CPS gave us a language to find the real issue and solve it together.
I also learned that CPS is not permissive. It does not mean letting your child do whatever they want. The adult concern matters. The expectation still exists. The difference is that the expectation is held collaboratively, not imposed. When my son wanted to skip homework entirely, I listened to his frustration. Then I shared my concern about his learning and his teacher’s expectations. Then we brainstormed. He suggested doing half the homework before dinner and half after. I suggested a short break first. We agreed on a plan. The homework got done, not because I forced it, but because he helped design the solution.
The approach requires patience. It takes longer than yelling. It takes longer than a consequence. But it builds skills that last. Over time, my son became better at identifying his own triggers and proposing solutions. He learned to say, “I need a break” instead of throwing his pencil. He learned to negotiate instead of meltdown. Those skills will serve him for life.
CPS is used in schools, residential programs, and juvenile justice settings. It has been shown to reduce explosive behavior, improve relationships, and decrease restrictive interventions. It is not a quick fix. It is a long-term investment in a child’s ability to regulate emotions and solve problems.
If you are exhausted from the power struggles, I understand. I was there. CPS gave me a way out of the cycle. It gave me a way to connect with my son instead of fighting him. It gave us both a way to grow.
There is so much more to learn about Collaborative Problem Solving and other evidence-based approaches to parenting and caregiving. Our website is filled with articles on child development, behavior, and family therapy. Head over and explore, because the best solutions are the ones we build together.
References
Greene, R. W., Ablon, J. S., Monuteaux, M. C., Goring, J. C., Henin, A., Raezer, L. B., & Rabbitt, S. (2004). Effectiveness of collaborative problem solving in affectively dysregulated children with oppositional-defiant disorder: Initial findings. *Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72*(6), 1157–1164. [https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.72.6.1157](https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.72.6.1157)
Pollastri, A. R., Epstein, L. D., Heath, G. H., & Ablon, J. S. (2013). The Collaborative Problem Solving approach: Outcomes across settings. *Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 21*(4), 188–199. [https://doi.org/10.1097/HRP.0b013e3182948301](https://doi.org/10.1097/HRP.0b013e3182948301)
Greene, R. W., & Ablon, J. S. (2006). *Treating explosive kids: The collaborative problem-solving approach*. Guilford Press.
Greene, R. W. (2014). *The explosive child: A new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children* (5th ed.). HarperCollins.
Ollendick, T. H., Greene, R. W., Austin, K. E., Fraire, M. G., Halldorsson, B., Allen, K. B., Jarrett, M. A., Lewis, K. M., & Wolff, J. C. (2016). Parent management training and collaborative & proactive solutions: A randomized control trial for oppositional youth. *Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 45*(5), 591–604. [https://doi.org/10.1080/15374416.2015.1004683](https://doi.org/10.1080/15374416.2015.1004683)
Murrihy, R. C., Kidman, A. D., Ollendick, T. H., & others. (2026). Evaluating Collaborative & Proactive Solutions across settings: Mini meta-analysis of behavioral outcomes and relational implications. *Child & Family Behavior Therapy*. [https://doi.org/10.1080/07317107.2026.2681594](https://doi.org/10.1080/07317107.2026.2681594)
Center for Evidence-Based Practice: Young Children and Families. (n.d.). *Collaborative & Proactive Solutions*. California Evidence-Based Clearinghouse for Child Welfare. [https://www.cebc4cw.org/program/collaborative-proactive-solutions/](https://www.cebc4cw.org/program/collaborative-proactive-solutions/)