Posted by I thought I knew grief. I had experienced loss before. I understood the stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I believed that if I followed the stages, I would eventually arrive at a place of peace. When my father died, I waited for the stages to unfold in order. They did not. Instead, I cycled through anger and sadness and numbness, often all in the same day. I felt like I was doing grief wrong.
I learned that grief does not follow a linear path. The five stages of grief, originally developed for those facing terminal illness, have been widely misunderstood as a roadmap for all losses. Research shows that grief is more like waves than a staircase. It comes and goes without warning. One moment you are okay. The next moment a memory crashes over you and you are drowning again. There is no wrong way to grieve. There is only your way.
Grief is not just about death. It can follow divorce, job loss, a move, a betrayal, or the loss of a dream. Any significant change that alters your sense of self or your place in the world can trigger a grief response. When I left a career I had built for twenty years, I grieved the identity I had lost. It took me a long time to recognize that emptiness as grief because I had not lost a person. I had lost a version of myself.
I also learned that grief is not something to be solved. We live in a culture that wants us to move on, to find closure, to get over it. But grief does not end. It changes shape. It becomes part of who you are. You do not move on. You move forward, carrying the loss with you. The goal is not to forget. The goal is to integrate the loss into your life so that you can still find meaning and joy.
One of the hardest lessons was learning to sit with discomfort. When grief hit, my instinct was to distract myself, work more, scroll endlessly, stay busy. But the grief always returned, waiting for me to stop running. I learned to let myself feel it. I allowed myself to cry, to be angry, to be still. Those moments of surrender were not weakness. They were the beginning of healing.
I also discovered that grief is isolating. Even when people are around, you can feel profoundly alone. Others do not know what to say. You do not know how to ask for what you need. I learned to name my needs out loud. “I do not need advice. I just need you to sit with me.” “I need to talk about my father today, even if it makes you uncomfortable.” Asking for what I needed did not always bring the comfort I wanted, but it made the isolation bearable.
Support groups were a lifeline. I sat in a room with strangers who had experienced similar losses. There was no pressure to perform. I could cry, laugh, or stay silent. They did not try to fix me. They just held space. That shared presence was more healing than any advice I had ever received.
I also learned that grief can show up in unexpected ways. Fatigue, brain fog, irritability, changes in appetite, and physical pain are all expressions of grief. For years, I had headaches that I could not explain. When I finally allowed myself to grieve the father I had lost long before his death, to dementia, the headaches began to ease. My body had been holding what my mind could not process.
If you are grieving, please know that there is no timeline. There is no finish line. Some days will be harder than others. Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays will bring waves of emotion. That is not a setback. It is the ongoing presence of love. Grief is the price we pay for love, and it is a price worth paying.
One of the most profound things I learned was that grief and gratitude can coexist. I can miss my father and still be grateful for the time we had. I can mourn the life I lost and still be excited about the life I am building. Holding both is not confusion. It is the complexity of being human.
If you are supporting someone who is grieving, the most important thing you can do is to show up. Do not avoid them because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Silence is more painful than imperfect words. Say their loved one’s name. Ask about their memories. Listen without trying to fix. Your presence is enough.
Grief is not something to be fixed. It is something to be carried. And we do not have to carry it alone.
There is so much more to learn about navigating loss. Our website is filled with articles on grief, supporting others, and finding meaning after loss. Head over and explore, because grief is a sign of love, and love endures.
References
HelpGuide.org. (2018, November 1). *Coping with grief and loss: Stages of grief and how to heal*.
Healthline. (2018, September 24). *The stages of grief: How to understand your feelings*.
Cleveland Clinic. (2023, March 5). *What is grief? Types, symptoms & how to cope*.
NHS. (2021, February 2). *Get help with grief after bereavement or loss*.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2026, May 18). *Coping with bereavement and grief*.